That's right I said it!
I began getting relaxers at the age of 12. I loved it! My hair was long, soft, silky and shiny. My hair was FINALLY comparable to the hair of my Caucasian counterparts. I couldn't change the color of my skin but I could (with my mothers permission and help) change my hair. I knew I could never be lighter or white but with straight hair I could at least be part of the game. After a while of not properly caring for my hair, using excessive heat and getting countless "touch ups" - surprise, surprise - my hair began to break off.
So with the majority of my once long, strong hair was in my sink and not on my head. My mother decided to cut my hair "even" and give me a "s-curl". I hated it! It was greasy and dripped everywhere. On the other hand, when I didn't juice it up it was dry and brittle causing more breakage. After the s-curl I also tried texturizers.
At about 15 my hair had grown out to about shoulder length. I attribute this to the fact that I mostly wore half wigs and braids. You know... "protective styles". I had this one Dani Cali half wig that I loved. It was a beautiful honey blonde. Welp... I decided to dye my hair that color at home to match the wig. Smart right? ha! Needless in the end it turned out a disaster. Sure it looked spot on and people would often think it was my real hair. (I knew how to blend a half wig juuuust right). So what was the problem? Even though I lucked up with the color being correct (the 2nd time) my hair soon became dry and brittle and untimatley broke off.
I knew it was time to seek professional help. Or at least that's what I thought I was doing. The "Halle Berry" cut was all the rage at this time so I got my hair cut into a similar style. My hair once again looked fierce. No more diy. Strictly my hairstylist handling my mane every week. Every two weeks she would relax my hair. I was told that this was a must if I wanted to continue rocking the short fade in the back. I ended up with bad chemical burns on the back of my head. Damned if I do and damned if I let the professionals do it too!
My hair remained a hot mess for a long time. I always bought the latest products but yet my hair was still a hot mess. I went from half wigs to full wigs because my edges had fallen out so bad it was plain embarrassing. I bought everything from $10.99 wigs to $700+ wigs and loved them but I started getting sick of them. I started to realize that what I really wanted was for my hair to look like the wigs. I knew that wasn't going to happen by neglecting my hair and throwing a wig on.
So I met a hairstylist. He claimed to be all about natural hair care. I was a bit apprehensive because of my past experiences but decided to give it a try. After going to him for 4 months I started to see a dramatic difference in my hair. Then he suggested I get my hair colored. I declined at first and I told him that when I colored before my hair broke off. He assured me that it would be different because he was a professional. So I went ahead with it. At first it was OK but I didn't like it because it was too blonde for my dark skin. This is where the trouble begins... He colored it again but darker. It looked horrible, dry and brittle. Back to square one. When I complained to my hairstylist he told me that the hair lost and breakage was MY fault when in reality even though my hair was getting healthier it couldn't handle bleaching and dyes. I bought all the expensive products, went to the salon weekly and meticulously followed his instructions and still I was back at square one.
I decided to start transitioning ( at this time I didn't know what that was I just knew it was no more perms/coloring for me!) I did pretty good, I thought, for a while. Then I had a special ocassion and wanted to go to a salon to get beautiful. I went and was convienced that there was nothing that could be done to my hair unless I got a relaxer. Now I know that there was nothing SHE knew how to do to natural hair. All the hard work down the drain again!
One day it finally dawned on me. Why was I doing all of this? So that I can try to look like someone i'm not? Be someone i'm not? I'm all for enhancing your natural beauty ( i'm a certified makeup artist) but what I was doing was nothing short of self mutilation. After being teased as a child I hated who I was. It took me until the age of 21 to finally start to love myself the REAL me not the me that I tried to create in order for others to accept me. I have a lot to work on but I have realized that I will never be happy trying to be something i'm not.
I BC'd in 2010 twice but I didn't not properly care for my hair (and at that time my body). I started wearing full sew-ins which further stressed my edges out until I had none. I recently did my FINAL big chop -- more like a big shave. Unlike the other times I decided to go completely from scratch. Now I have done the research for MYSELF. No. I am not a licensed beautician and yes there are great ones out there but I view my hair differently now. I invested thousands of dollars on salon visits and products -- i'd call that an investment! When I make investments I do research so that I can make informed decisions and this is NOW the approach I take to my hair. I have become truly invested in ME. So now I don't hate my natural hair. I love my natural hair because I love me and I no longer view my "kinks" as flaws even if others do. This is where my journey begins.......
